A New Year

A New Year

2015 has been the year of most change for me (and my hubby,) by far. We have struggled. I lost the best man I ever knew when I was eight months pregnant. I buried that man on my birthday at a funeral that I had to plan. We met the little boy who’s going to call me mama. I counted his fingers and toes. I cried. I cried a lot. We bought a new home, and said goodbye to our first one. We bought two cats. We watched our little girls turn three. Our lives have changed in more ways than I can begin to count, and yet here I am wondering where 2015 went.

Wasnt January just a couple months ago.?

2016 has snuck up on me fast, and I’m having trouble figuring out who it is I want to be this year. What I want to do..

I want to get back into photography. I want to finish my studio, and offer makeup/ bodouir package sessions, because those are two things that make me happy.

I want to be a better wife to my husband. Some days I worry that he only gets the worst of me, and I’ve been working on it. I want 2016 to be our best year yet.

I want to do my makeup often. I want to do it on the days I’m not leaving the house, and even if I have no one to impress. I want to to do what I love.

I’m going to continue to give my babies everything that I have.

I want to spend as much time with family as I can. Losing people will show you how short our time here really is.

More than anything I want to be kinder to myself. I’ve been trying to be more body positive. More loving towards myself..  It’s hard. I suffered from anorexia, and bulimia as a teenager, and I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror, especially after two babies. I try to look in the mirror every day and find three things to love about myself. I’m trying to take Aaron’s words to heart when he tells me so often how beautiful I am. I’m trying to see myself through his eyes.

I don’t have any major changes to make in 2016. I’m pretty pleased with where I am, and where my life is going. All I want to do in this new year is to continue becoming a better me. 

I want to continue trying to love myself for me, and for everything I have to offer so that I can teach my little humans how to do the same.
*photo by Cody & Allison Photography*

The Family that can’t make it to Christmas Dinner

The Family that can’t make it to Christmas Dinner

For so many people Christmas is a time filled with joy, eggnog, and family time. For others this isn’t the case. For some people, people like me, the holidays bring back a lot of painful memories, and there’s always the aching absence of the people I’ve lost. When I’m decorating the tree, when I’m opening Christmas presents, when I’m trying to enjoy conversation at dinner, it’s always there in the back of my mind.

It hurts.

It hurts to know that over the last fifteen years I’ve lost my mother, my grandmother, my uncle, and most recently, earlier this year to be specific, the man I admire more than anyone, my grandfather. 

It doesn’t get easier.

Every year I expect it to be easier than the previous year, but each year I’m hit again with the overwhelming desire to have them here. Each year there is so many new things I would like to share with my mom. So many new experiences that she’s missed. The truth is it gets harder. This year we greeted our son into the world just a month after we said goodbye to my grandfather. One of the best moments of my life was followed almost immediately by the heartbreaking reality that Oliver will never know the man who made his life possible. The man that supported me and loved me through the best and worst days of my life.  Who bragged about me, my girls, and his future great grand son to everyone he met. He always made me chili on Christmas because he knew it was my favorite, and never missed a year of sneaking me an early present on Christmas Eve. He loved me, and I wish I had more than stories and pictures to show my son what a hell of a man his grandpa was. I wish he could love him the way I do.

Pick up the phone, call your mom and tell her how your day was, ask how hers was. Take your kids to see their grandparents, and yours if you’re lucky enough to have them. Not just on the holidays either, without them you wouldn’t be here, and one day they won’t be either. Don’t dread going home for the holidays because one day you’ll stand in an empty house filled with memories and say goodbye to your childhood home. One day all you’ll have left of that family will be those memories, so make sure you have enough of them.

Love them while you can. 

In memory of Alison, Wanda, T.K, and Glen Ross.